The G.O.A.Ted Substack Meeting I almost missed Out On

Yeah, so this is a POV of my first Kenyan Substack Meeting

https://open.substack.com/pub/mile33/p/the-goated-substack-meeting-i-almost?r=5yxvtu&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

DEDICATION

To Zara, I would have never attended the meeting.

To Kibuchi, I would never have gotten the names of people, nor have had so much fun.

BACKGROUND

So sijui nianzie wapi, but vile nimezoea I’ll start this story hot as me😌. I joined here just last month and had seen the poster for the event, shoutout to Riba za Khavs for organising it, msee I love your work and hope the best for you.

But kusema ukweli, I was broke af, shout out to Kasongo, and wasn’t really planning to go to the meeting. It would have been the end of that if my beautiful and charming story writer and fellow committee member hadn’t posted on our Rotaract Group about it, and combined with my G, Kibuchi, I had the company I wanted.

As much as I am the hot peppered firecracker extrovert of a giant, sipendi kiherehere sana, kidogo tu, or else shit might go south na inaweza kuwa my Gabzy concert 2023 all over again. Hii ni story nitasema niikuwa na KC shots for emotional support, but the gist of it, I woke in a literal gutter, nimepakwa matope, soaked and no phone, no friends😭😭.

But anyway, back to the story.

PREPPING 1...2…1…2
By the time Agenyo Barnice was hitting me up telling me they were leaving Juja,nimehama huko juzijuzi tu. I was still in my bum guy aesthetic, in my bed, not dressed, no morsel of the food in my body, my fit not picked (my fit was fire though🔥🔥).

Just doom-scrolling TikTok. Mumekuwa huko, so don’t judge.

So like the African I am, once the call ended, I started the sprint to get ready, and lemme tell you Miana…

Anzanga tu kujipanga mapema🥲

Anyways, I was cooking, brushing my teeth, picking out my clothes, and looking for my jewelry all at the same time. But tough times don’t last, only tough people. And in my rush, I broke the mug that was gifted to me by my mom. I love her, but…

That woman atanin’yenga akijua💀, guys niweke kwa maombi yenu.

So one and a half hours later, I was ordering my nduthi, and I don’t know kama ni mimi pekee, but the electric bikes ziko na acceleration deadly, unaweza pata umewacha kichwa nyuma na mwili inasonga mbele, shout out to inertia and Isaac Newton. But like I said, the fit was fire, so am I, and in case you got close for a hug, the scent of the day was Carbon Black layered with Najdia. Shoutout to my perfume pedi in Eastleigh, though naskia wanaiita Somalia siku hizi.

Getting to Creatives Garage was easy, a bit of Google Maps and asking, I was there, and lemme just say, I LOVE ART, and I absolutely love art that is so us coded, young, bold, and African. Creatives Garage was all that and more. Silent then Loud, based on our culture and values, but still very progressive. Like russian dolls, it’s a gift that keeps giving.

The blacked themed reception, framed pictures on your left with people just being happy, the chandeliers paired with amber bulbs, and an absolute juxtaposition with the gallery/ meeting area that was just white on white everywhere you looked. Ooh, I forgot to mention the hanging fluorescent bulbs. As a tall guy, you tend to notice anything that is around eye level.
*Coughs in concussions*.
All in all, I just loved the vibe of the place, shoutout to whoever was the interior deco artist.
I met up with my boy Peter Kibuchi and Agenyo Barnice (Zara)for those who didn’t know, ako shy😂.

INTRODUCTIONS, GAMES, AND PERFORMANCES

Khavs started the meeting by introducing himself, and a couple of artists shoutout to MasterPew. I loved the first song, Iko Spotify so I can go listen to it on repeat? Don’t keep me waiting too long, ngoja ngoja huumiza matumbo🎶.

Shoutout also to the girl with the Afro, you rocked the 4c hair like a champ🥊.

After the amazing performance, we then split into groups to play Kenya@50—Hio game haina ubeshte, it is just pure chaos, bickering, and calling for time for your opponents. Kibuchi, unfortunately, became my antagonist; it became a heated battle.

The hate watch for my team, Mulima against Gladiators, started strong, shout out to Alex Tamei, lakini ni kama kina Amondi wakikuwa na juju, because tell me why we rolled the dice twice on the same spot and lost 25 points to their team each time and 4 paces, on top of that😭😭. Mimi na Alex were voodooed.

Ilibidii Alex ameamini kuna uchawi na Voodoo, he even brought up the fact that kuna Kenyan laws on witchcraft, shege bin vu. I would have never guessed.

After the shouting and bickering, we still lost 265 to 420.🥲🥲. Hadi hatukutaka game, Khavs saved us from more embarrassment.

We then went on to share a memory from our gallery with the story behind it, and I was first. Mine was a picture of an ant looking sad.

The story behind it was that I was doomscrolling( I really should stop), and it was just when TT had started the photo feature. So, there was this guy who had posted a thirst trap.

I opened the comments, and as you can imagine, the ladies were thirsting, and the top comment read as follows
|I want you to cum so deep inside me that it changes my 23 and me test results.

Which is a wild thing to say, but you know what, that’s valid. Different strokes for different folks.

At least I have a gym goal to work towards, shida nikupata gym. Gimme 4 months, you will be begging to eat ice cream off my abs🍧👅.

But back to the TT, how the hell are people so creative?😂😂

She then went on and apologized for commenting and posted this photo. As you can imagine, it stuck with me, and safe to say everyone had a good laugh.

There’s also the girl, I think Caroline, who walked in on her pedi of a boyfriend having a very intense match of bedmintion with another shawrie. Then proceeded to get gaslight, that it was nothing, ooh, to be young and dumb. Makosa ya kwanza ilikuwa kudate course mate, juu anajua schedule yako na how the hell did you do classes after? With that mammoth in the room.

The guy, after getting caught pants down, proceeded to chase away the side piece, claiming dem wangu amefika, the audacity. He was true to the statement that men have two heads but only enough blood to run one at a time. I am the sole exception, argue with the hand🤚🏾.

He then decided to accompany her home, only to dump her at her gate. Enywe Nairobi itakuonyesha dust, kaa chonjo dear reader.

But ulisema ako na mali safi, I might just look for you to confirm.

PANELISTS
Honestly, the next part, the meeting of the panelists, though long, was amazing. There I met Adeline Chelagat, who’ll probably be my future lawyer.
Lakini alisema boychild atafute pesa kwanza. She’s not working for charities.

My future goals are already set. Je wewe?
She has the smile of one of my besties, check out wesely_washington on IG, labda mzee wao ni mtu mmoja na hatujui👀.
Anyways, she led the panel spectacularly; it was just the thought that she might be my best friend’s sister that threw me for a loop.

And I didn’t get every panelist’s name, naomba msamaha kama ni wewe umekuwa part of the lost sheep( I currently have found all of them, but I leave this statement as a testament to my humanity and bad history of remembering names).

Starting strong, I really loved the outfit Christine had, gave goodwill witch vibes, I would have been going to her for charms of protection and good luck trinkets, if we were part of some adventurous world. She would probably be in a garden forest hut, but that’s my opinion. What really sold me was the inverted golden crescent moon and rising sun earrings; I would have stolen them given the chance. I did read some of your works, you are the kind of vulnerable I want to be in the future. But pineapple on pizza is atrocious, no, just no🙅‍♂️🚫.

Oyamo Richard, you have made me know what it feels like to be objectified. Apparently, I look like a hot♨️ (duly agreed) roasted maize cob😂😂😂. I just had to ask. I loved your perspective on the Gen-Z protests, and sorry for popping your bubble of being the tallest guy in a room. However badass you are(because being a published author is so badass), there is always a bigger badass( in this case, me)😌😌.

Kaguura Gichuru, you look like someone who would know where to get a good blunt, nitakuja kuuliza. He was one of the few people gathered who earned from reading and writing. How does it feel to live my dream? That is flex, don’t get it twisted. You also looked like a guy whom I could talk about random shit forever, though unakaa nochalant dreadhead, without the dreads. Ladies confirm?

Alex Tamei, the problem child😂, at least according to Adeline and our Kenya@50 players. I didn’t know you went so hard with literature and words, that’s crazy. The guy was a sheep in wolf’s clothing, chilling like a typical attendee, but he was part of the panel. Your quotes really resonated with me, especially the one that we are a sum of all the things we have experienced, and to that effect, I will also tune up the narcissist in me. I also liked your perspective on AI, you should shit on it because it’s a bucket you made, not one that someone put on your head. That’s a principle I feel we should all follow: decide for yourself.

Michelle Chepchumba Korir, might call you Wonder woman, seeing you having; a masters’ degree, a book club that is just for romance and feel good stories and at the same time trying to bring finacial secruity to Kenya authors, just made me both jealous and proud of a person who was living her true self in the best way she knew and was trying to share it. Go get it, if hauna fans, nimededi. On that note, naweza kuwa nimekudedi but tutaongea nyuma ya tent😂😂.

PEOPLE I MET

Now, to the pretty ladies that I had the pleasure of interacting with,mulikuwa wengi, starting with Amondi, she wore her heart on her sleeves, and like a dealer turned cupid, she was just everywhere spreading love, but a bit of chaos too.

We have our Tina with her breif😆😆 stature but jovial personality, you would never know that she would take immense joy in bossing people around. You never really know with the pretty yappers; those are the ones you have to pay attention to.

I touched on Zara, but her work speaks volumes for her. If I add more, I might create a monster made of ego, but yeah, she has the toothiest smile you will ever see. So smile, girl.

I also met Marian at the after-party, and boy, did we have things to talk about. But you have to read to find out. She is best described as a caring boss girl, hard to find but also hard to miss.

I also had the pleasure of meeting Wambúi , a total vibe, yapper who apparently teaches Dutch, and lemme tell you that girl can move her hips😂😂. Like Shakira, your hips definitely do not lie🙆‍♂️ . If you missed out on the after party, shida yako.

Kairetu also had a vibe about her. I just didn’t get enough time to read her. Got her number, so that’s a win, wewe pia we can meet nyuma ya tent.

There are so many people I could talk about, Josh, a guy we came from times za tution, Martin, that one guy from UoN, Brandon Chacha, I liked your fit, it was my go-to style in 1st year.

I met readers in different fonts and styles, but all made of hearts of gold and souls of old. I absolutely loved meeting these guys and seeing a brief synopsis of the story that is their lives. Shoutout to everyone in attendance.

THE AFTER PARTY

We went to Kenya Originals for the after party, and the vibe was just IT 💯. We were alone but definitely not lonely, shoutout to Josh for the phrase. It was Amondi’s first time getting drunk, too.

Adeline, Marian, and I were very invested in the topic ‘Bridging the Pleasure Gap.

People are having bad sex or boring sex. Personally naone heri ulale.

*Me dropping nukes on relationships*

But I gave advice hapa na pale, if you guys want more details, nipate nyuma ya tent. Or quote stack, I’ll cook something up. Though I would advise you guys to listen, communicate, and experiment.

Like Gabzy said, (Nimeheal sasa ), we’re here for a good time, not a long time.

Especially those of big stature, umewahi ona babu mzee na mrefu? Exactly.

We danced, and the best part was us picking our own songs; the DJ was us. But a DJ was also among us, shoutout to Wamboi.

*Us going at it, readers turned dancers*.

*Kibuchi and Zara going at it🕺🪩*

After KO shut down, they have fire cider bytha try the pineapple one, we club hopped till we got to Brew Bistro, and we just went wild. There’s no two ways about it, it was crazy, fun, fast, and memorable. Basically, A night we will remember, shoutout to Avicii.

It’s Monday morning, and I am still recovering. I have been bedridden for the whole of Sunday. So yeah, I have no pics, but trust me you it was something crazy. Everybody danced and everybody was tired af by the time we left. What happened in Brew Bistro, stayed at Brew Bistro.

Like I said to that one girl who likes women, unajijua.

Women are fucking pretty, and she wholeheartedly agreed. The female form is a top 1 work of art, that’s a hill I am willing to die on.

Watu walifika safe, no one was held at shondepoint💩🔫. That’s a win with the state Nairobi/Gotham iko.

Anyways, that’s it for me. There are so many details I missed out on, so many people I didn’t touch on, so many momentos (see what I did there?👀😂) that I will be carrying for life.

My advice for you, dear reader, is NEXT TIME SHOW THE FUCK UP! AND STAY FOR THE AFTER PARTY.

TOODLES🙋‍♂️